Whew....

I am at home looking at the most plain and boring PET scan…  Dr Lynn

And with those words, for the first time in 13 days, I took a normal breath.  I really did not want to prove that I could handle being Stage 4.  Besides, with all the prayers I was getting on my behalf, if it had gone south I would have had a hard time placing blame (of course I had my sights on a few , but since we are not walking that walk, I shall keep them to myself J ).  

The plan—well, the one we talked about tonight and will more than likely tweak tomorrow—is a mastectomy Wednesday morning.  I will be gracing the hospital with my presence for at least 1 day but after all it is me, so I am thinking 2 days.  Then I will be sent home to recover.  And have no fear; I questioned pain and what she was going to do about it.  I will get happy pills.  Whew.   The downside at this point, is I have heard I will not be driving for at least 2 weeks.  So Mae Ling has now been upgraded to chauffeur along with her laundry and bed making duties.  All hail Mae Ling!    

After all that is done and over with, I will be on that something I still can’t remember for I have no idea how long pill.  Works for me! 

On a serious note, I truly believe I am where I am because of all the prayers.  I always tell the angels (my Sunday School class of 3^rd-5^th graders for those of you who are new to this) that God always, always answers prayers, but not always the way we want him to.  Today he answered the way we wanted him to and while I am always grateful, today, I am extremely grateful to be a child of God.

The waiting is the hardest part...

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would be waking up praying that later in the day I hope to hear the words “your boob is history”.  Yet here I am, praying I hear just that.  Life is funny like that some times. 

To say that the past 13 days have been an emotional roller coaster would be the understatement of the year.  I just had to be one of the 7% to get a recurrence such as the one I now have. Figures. This whole being special is for the birds I tell you (and to think 7 is my number. Depending on how this all pans out, I might need a new number).   The LAST time I was told I had cancer (never thought I would say that either), I knew without a doubt all would be fine and the cancer would go away.  Not so much this time.   I have had moments of this will work out the way I want it to,  but then that silly nagging feeling it could be Stage 4 which is not a curable thing crosses my mind and then I am totally off balance.     

In my heart I know whatever happens, I will be good and it will be as God wants it to be.  But this whole waiting thing pretty much sucks. I just need/want to know so I can get on with whatever it is I need to get on with.  It is very humbling to be surrounded by so many caring people, near and far.  Yet at times, this go round it has been overwhelming.  While I am thankful and blessed beyond measure for all the care, concern and especially the prayers, there have been a few times I have reached my limit and have stood very close to that edge of losing it.  I would like to offer a word of advice,  be very careful when you say you understand.  It might be best to say I do not understand what you are going through, but I will be there if you need me to be (need to add that to that list of cancer tips I did last October.  However, I think I did.  Might need to reprint those…) There are a very select few who understand and even then things are different. 

The waiting should be over this evening.  As the good Dr has pointed out, she can read a hotspot on a PET scan and she can certainly read a mammogram better than some Radiologists.  Yup, we could be sisters.  Chew on that. There is another one out there just like me!

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3: 5-6

Why do I even bother planning???

Well, my Sunday School lesson was shot straight to hell. I figured we would talk about how God knows us down to the number of hairs on our head and then we would have a photo shoot with the wigs as the angels pondered my soon to be baldness.  That all went out the window with Dr K and his “you are not getting chemo” bombshell.

Because the medical world thrives on scales and blood pressure, I had to suffer both before I saw Dr K.  I took great pride when the poor young assistant looked at my blood pressure and said oh boy. I told her I was a wee bit stressed and not to worry about it.  She thought it was because I was seeing the doctor—I humored her and said, yes, that is it.   And in comes Dr K—saying exactly what I knew he would—hi and I am sorry about this.  Gold star for me!  And yes, I did voice that and then told him I missed him so much in past 2 weeks I just had to see him (he just shook his head in that why is she mine way).   And then he dropped the chemo bombshell.   To say I was shocked would be an understatement.  I mean, I had it all planned out –I found the misplaced wigs, got Kim on board with the shearing , figured out how much I was going to save on hair products and even dreaming about the not having to shave the legs part.  I even was betting on the chemo start date.  I should have known, after all it is me. So Dr K then  outlines the plan for both results of the PET scan—the good (localized) and the bad (distant- that means it has spread – yes I had to have Dr Lynn explain that one) which would be Stage 4 (which is manageable, but not curable).  Either way, no chemo as due to the type of breast cancer I had, it would not be beneficial so why put me through it.   The words are you sure tumbled out and he patiently showed me a study based on my type of cancer.  And there it was in red and blue—no benefit.  His plan is this… if it is localized, Pia is history and I am on something which for the life of me I can’t remember.  If it is the bad one, Pia stays and the tumor will be monitored as to how it responds to the something which for the life of me I can’t remember medicine and this can go on for years (years people, not until Christmas which was bothering me).

I will admit to leaving there in a daze and trying to let it all sink in.  The cinnamon pecan roll from Whole Foods helped and by the time I got to Mayfaire I felt as if a load had been lifted and for the first time in a week, I felt peace.  Everything boils down to Wednesday and the PET scan (no pressure at all here).  While I would love for Pia to be part of the curable group vs. that nasty not curable group, please know that I am good either way.   With that out of the way, anyone want to do a Sunday School lesson for me?  I got donuts… 

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled; neither let them be afraid.

John 14:27

It is what it is and it's all good

Well, well, well, bet you never saw this blog coming.   Stand in line people, stand in line.  Apparently I am still in need of learning or maybe I am needed to teach a few more lessons. Whatever it is, I am back in the cancer life again.  Oh the joy.

Long story short, it seems Pia must have felt neglect by the lack of attention and  after 4 years… yes… 4 years… one year shy of that golden 5 year mark… decided it was time for attention (guess she got tired of being known as the incredible shrinking boob).  Not sure who gets the last laugh, but she is history and I will be losing my hair yet again. 

The plan will be set later this week starting with Dr. Lynn.  I will say (proudly), I think I threw her for a loop. And yes, I did humor her with the damn that hurts when she put the needle in for the biopsy (of course it didn’t—it was already numb, but why buck tradition).   By the time I see her, my life will again belong to her and to Dr K—who I am guessing will not take it well.  I will try to alleviate some of his pain by telling him I missed him so much I wanted to spend some time with him.  Hopefully he will not go into anal mode until after I get my say.

Since I have always been one to look at the positive, let me list a few

1.     The best thing about this, spring is coming and I will not have to shave my legs.  Chemo will do it for me.

2.     Mae Ling is coming out of retirement.  Well, she never really went into retirement, but now she will be free and not charge a fee.

3.     Billy said and I quote “ I see a bunch of Caribbean trips in your future.” 

4.     I can eat what I want to and not give a crap.

5.     Mom said I can say shit.  But I will keep it to a minimum.

6.     I’m back to being the golden child (I am stocking up on toilet paper in case the toilet paper queen gets mad at this comment. Luckily I know who goes to Costco on a rather fairly basis)

Seriously, while I have done this before, I have not done the whole no boob thing.  I have scared myself by looking it all up, but with drugs I will be good.  Chemo is a no brainer.  I did ask Dr Lynn where she was going to put the port.  She said where it was the last time.  Might not have been the right time to comment on how well that went. 

I’m good with it all and as I as before, I am surrounded by love.  I do ask one thing.. do not, under any circumstances pity me, just treat me normally.  The only one to sigh and say Lizzie, Lizzie , Lizzie is Mom.   Of course Billy will be really nice, but all I will have to do to stop him is to take off my wig and he will get the point.  And remember—it is what it is and it’s all good!

^" give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”

1 Thessalonians 5:18